“Anxiety”

Growing up in a rural area of North Carolina, I spent a lot of time outdoors observing wildlife. In the wild, animal interactions are often intense. One distinct confrontation that occurs is a conflict between crows and various birds of prey. Even as a child, I remember hearing what sounded like a multitude of crows berating (what would turn out to be) an owl, hawk, and once a bald eagle. Typically, a single crow begins to hammer out a caw, then reinforcements can be seen, or heard coming to their aid. These conflicts can last half an hour or more, and cover large expanses of trees and fields as irate crows badger sometimes a single bird of prey. During one such instance, I witnessed a red-tailed hawk drag a crow down from the sky and preceded to tear it apart in an open field by my house. After a brief standoff between crow and hawk, reinforcement crows arrived, causing the hawk to flee the bloody scene and single wounded crow. The crow was clearly in agony and I cautiously approached, hoping to help the poor creature somehow. Upon closer examination, I understood the extent of his injuries… an apparent broken wing, bright foaming blood revealing part of his skull.... I was not able to help the crow, but the experience made me understand the stakes of this battle. Now, whenever I hear a murder of crows in the distance, my skin prickles and my pulse quickens as I relive that violent moment.

Everyone, at some point in their life, will experience something that causes feelings of anxiety. For many people, anxiety is something they deal with on a daily basis. I have loved ones who suffer from anxiety disorders. My first true experience with anxiety was during high school and college. As a teacher, I recognize the same stress in my students and know how it can affect their mental health. One thing I understand is that anxiety, and how it manifests itself, is unique to each individual. For me, stress affects the quality of sleep. My anxiety manifests itself in dreams, which are often recurring. To this day, I still experience school-related stress dreams.

Moments I have witnessed in nature, particularly the interactions among crows and birds of prey are chaotic, loud, and stress-filled. The caws and shrill hawk calls convey their feelings of anxiety much better than we humans are sometimes able to express. Anxiety is displayed in their ruffled body language, panting breath, and screaming cries.

I wanted to make a painting that represents anxiety. The idea for this particular piece had been in my mind for some time when I happened to be in the woods walking my dogs and heard a single staccato caw… within seconds the surrounding trees were flooded with crow caws intermingled with the cry of a couple of red-shouldered hawks.

In the woods, amidst the trees and fleeing birds, I felt like I was part of the conflict. Their anxiety was tangible. It engulfed me as I stood watching their flying silhouettes in the trees and listen to the birds exchanging taunts. I took a few quick videos with my phone to capture the moment and walked home ready to recreate it in my studio.

One of the few apps I have on my phone is the “Merlin Bird ID” from The Cornell Lab of Ornithology.  Through my exploration of this app, I found a sound analysis program called “Raven Lite”.  Using this software, I was able to visualize the sounds from my crow and hawk videos by creating a spectrogram. In the final stages of the painting, I included a section from one of these spectrograms to reinforce the heightened state of anxiety I felt while witnessing their conflict.  

Additional video of the Crows and Hawks